I’m sticking my neck out on this one and hope not to make a pig’s ear so I’m just going to trust that you’ll follow this next step because if you don’t, well then the rest of this thing is simply in vain. Are you with me? Good man! Now, and believe me I know this is going to hurt but I need you to take a look at Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” and try your best to sit through as much as you can. Go ahead, I’ll be waiting until you get back…and just remember, I’m right behind the tab if you need me.

If you couldn’t make it through the whole thing I understand so long as you got a good, healthy serving of awkward discomfort. Because there was awkward discomfort, wasn’t there? I know that for me, a heterosexual American male, even admitting that I know who Lady Gaga is can be a rather cheek reddening confession. In a society where people like this are shoved down your throat one way or another though, I know that the embarrassment I feel is shared by all.

 

So clearly my having drawn attention to her video or “work”, as it were, is hardly from the realm of appreciation or artistic admiration. It’s just that when I decided to write about Rick Santorum I wanted to get in just the right mood, that mood being awkward and agitated. That’s when “Bad Romance” popped in my head. However, when I sat in front of my magic internet machine and pulled up the video I found that there was yet another startling connection between the two and beg you to entertain me the stroll around the pond. Yes this is about Rick Santorum dropping out, and yes it will get to that, but if there is anything I firmly believe it’s that satisfaction is the death of desire and in life it should always be about the journey and rarely about the destination.

Let’s talk about awkward moments for a second shall we, while you still have those gaga goose bumps all over your skin. Most people don’t give awkward moments the credit or esteem that they actually deserve in life. Awkward moments can be quite enlightening if you stop and think about it. You are in a situation that for some reason or another is causing you discomfort typically for reasons that are completely founded on faulty beliefs. Next time you find yourself in an awkward moment don’t shy away from it, don’t rush it and don’t try to forget about it when it’s over. No let it wash over you and teach you a lesson about yourself. For example; while contemplating the irritating nature of what I was going to go on about this evening I happened to find myself in the local drug store bopping down the aisle with a little “all the lies run round my face” in the ear buds. I was there for the sole purpose of purchasing contraceptives and while doing so understood that for some, though not for me because this purchase was solely for a science experiment I was conducting and nothing more, this is considered an awkward moment. Probably for both the purchaser and the merchant involved in this transaction a certain amount of discomfort is suppose to be felt. It’s like two strangers who are forced to share a secret or something. Not willing to let such a juicy moment fly away, I place my contraceptives on the counter and wait for the cashier to ask by automation “How are you doing tonight, sir?” at which point I lock eyes and with the straightest face possible reply; “I’m buying condoms.”

Awkward silence.

Quite pleased with myself in having fed off of someone’s discomfort, like an awkward moment instigating vampire of sorts, I climb into the car and bring it to life with the turn of my key. The car stereo picks up with “all the lies run around my face” allowing me to pause the player in my pocket and be on my way. As I come back around near the entrance I performed my duty as a good citizen by coming to a stop as a young Asian man exited the store and walked in front of my car, giving me a grateful half wave. I nodded and thought to myself “Asian people are cool. I like Asian people.” And they are and I do. Then I patted myself on the back for being able to appreciate other culture groups other than my own and see the beauty and richness ingrained within them. I was going to continue on my way when suddenly I noticed in my side mirror a young black man and young black woman merrily attempting to make their way into the pharmacy, having only the obstacle of my car preventing them from reaching their destination. “Black people are cool. I like black people” I thought and made a snap judgment on what would be more convenient for them; should I stay still and allow them to walk in front of the car, or should I tap the gas since they were round abouts the dead center of my car and allow them to cross in my rearview mirror? Gas it was and along I went only to notice that the young black man was apparently mouthing something in my mirror with quite an angered expression. I wondered what that was about and then it dawned on me that I was wearing my new hat which kinda sorta might look like a cowboy hat if you glance at it, or say if a dude wearing it just drove off while you were walking across a parking lot and then the dominos began to fall.

“That black guy thought I was a cowboy. A racist cowboy. A racist cowboy that opted to drive off rather than let him and his sweetie pie cross in front of his car.”

Now this thought disturbed me because I am not a racist. In fact, I pride myself on not even believing that races exist, rather only culture groups. So for me to think that some black guy out there has my face in his mind and underneath that face is the label “racist,” well it just doesn’t sit right with me. Then I came to my senses and reaffirmed myself by telling myself,

“Look, you know you’re not racist and that your driving off was not indicative in any way of your views on people of different ethnicities so stop sweating it. You can’t help it if some guy misread your actions and therefore imagines you’re a racist for the rest of his life.”

That helped. Until it then occurred to me that, that young black man might not have even been speaking about me or my kinda sorta cowboy hat or my having sped off at all. Maybe he was just arguing with his sweetie pie.

“You automatically assumed that the first thing on that young black man’s mind was that you were a racist, which is racist, which means you were thinking racist thoughts…”

Then I caught myself and realized that I had been hit in the back of the head by an awkward moment boomerang. That, and my thinking is probably being affected by the mainstream media’s latest attempt to bait some type of race war, but we’ll save that for another waltz I think. Not wanting to be someone who doesn’t take his own advice, I decided to ponder the awkward moment and find out if I could learn anything about myself. I did and it’s this; sometimes there really isn’t anything to learn from an awkward moment but to put it behind you. Just like that lady gaga video and just like Rick Santorum. The awkward connection should now be completely made, which leaves the other curious thing I found in common with lady Gaga’s videos and Ricky pooh.

Now let me just say that I am not a conspiracy theorist. It has been brought to my attention, and I am very much aware that many who are in support of Ron Paul are. I am not one of them and if you honestly want to know my thoughts on the matter I believe that people who go around making claims unsubstantiated by actual evidence are hurtful to our movement. That being said I think that we, as rational human beings can all agree that what we are seeing when we look at a lady gaga video is clearly a narrative from a very troubled young woman who undoubtedly was a part of the MK Ultra program known as Project Monarch where little girls were taken to Disney World and subjected to trauma based mind control whereby multiple personality disorder was induced in order to create perfect little black widow assassins which would be married off into the families of the power elite in the event anyone ever gets a little crisis of conscience among the movers and shakers of the overlords of dark hatchery. Clearly the symbolism of Babylonian\Egyptian\et al goddess worship mixed in with the images of little, dancing clones of waxed Adolf Hitlers prancing around all her number one hits would leave any stable minded person with the unbiased conclusion that all the chicks in her Ishtar basket aren’t popping out of the same colored eggs, if you get my meaning. How, you query, does this also tie in to Rick Santorum? Plainly put, I believe that as disturbing, awkward, and downright nuts as any given gaga video may be they are probably exact replicas of what it would be like to peek inside the mind of the frothed one.

Is Rick Santorum suspending his campaign good for us or is it bad for us? I don’t really know how it might play into the current situation or how it may not but as someone who is a flag waving champion of logic and reason I have to say that anytime a guy whose pretty much guaranteed the lighting of the World War 3 match drops out of a presidential race things are ultimately looking up. Breaking up is hard to do though, Ricky boy and we sure are gonna miss that crazy staring into the sun expression you warmed our hearts with. From the moment we first laid eyes on you, mistaking you for the preacher from the Simpsons, we knew that our affair would be both cartoonish and a punch line with way too much of a buildup.

 

You ran the heck out of that campaign though, so for that I suppose I have to give you some dap credit. Yup if you weren’t talking about talking to a crowd of one or two hobos who wandered into one of your events to stay warm, you were doing your best to earn that slot in the annuls of history somewhere in between the crusades and the Spanish inquisition. Nope, profiling an entire people and pretty much crossing your sacred heart and hoping to die that you would pit the so called Christian world and the so called Muslim world against one another into a shin dig with a finale you just can’t miss. No, literally you wouldn’t have been able to miss it because it would have been a mushroom cloud, or all of them. Not that I’m saying you are the only one with an itchy finger on the trigger my friend, it’s just that with you there was no doubt you were going to take all your insecurities out through force of the military on anyone you considered an extremist. Is it okay if we talk a little more about some of those insecurities sweater vest man? I mean, do you really expect to toss the least heterosexual clothing item on, flaunt how much you love to sport it while pinning little angel awards on known pedophiles and child, sex slave traffickers while never shutting up about gay people and not expect us to peg you for a closet case?

 

Let me just share candidly my position which will serve as a measuring rod as it were of that much coveted logic and reason and with its crystal clarity reflect some light on the position of Rick Santorum when it comes to this homosexual thing. Now I personally do not believe that living a homosexual lifestyle is the best choice one can make in one’s life. I have come to this belief based on a great many things, none of which is rooted in bigotry or a feeling of superiority over those who do not believe the same as I. In my observations of the Universe there are a few constants that I think are notable and as you may or may not know, I am not one to attempt pushing against the Universe. I tend to want to go in the same direction. It’s easier and you always look cool doing it. For starters I’m a big proponent that all those ancestors we had that took the time to write down on scrolls, or chisel in stone or verbally pass along their words of wisdom were not some knuckle dragging, backwoods retards. These guys were way closer to the source of the start of this whole thing and though for a time much of what they have given us could’ve been passed off as myth, now modern science is beginning to prove that some of our most ancient traditions are actually more advanced than we first gave them credit. Most of your eastern schools of thought as well as a majority of the middle east and beyond all seem to suggest that somehow or another homosexuality is destructive to the soul and spirit of an individual and if you know anything about how energy flows through the bodies “junction boxes” most commonly called chakras, then you have probably come across the tantric philosophy which clearly says that both male and female are two parts to a singular whole which can only complete a circuit of energy when the two become one. The male, in tantric is the positive and the female is the negative. Just picture the ying yang, only naked. Tantraism, as well as many sects of Buddhism, Hinduism, and of course Christianity all seem to agree that spiritual enlightenment is either completely blocked or nearly impossible for a person practicing homosexuality. But hey, not everyone is into being spiritually enlightened and that’s the choice each person has to make for themselves. If some choose homosexuality over enlightenment and inner peace I honestly don’t see a difference in them, than I do in the person who chooses to put all their faith in the corporate owned football team that happens to be near where they live, living and dying by the statistics.

 

Another reason would be that I honestly don’t know any gay people, and yes I know a few, who are genuinely happy people. I am not saying that gay people are incapable of being happy, neither am I saying that no gay person is happy anywhere in the world. All I am saying is that in my own, flesh and blood experience I personally do not know any gay person who is generally happy with life and all that life is, so you just stop waving that finger right now. For me that is a red flag because I also believe in role modeling and I’m not going to role model anything that will have me living life as Marvin from the Hitchhikers’ Guide. Depressed? Don’t talk to be about depressed.

 

Then there’s simply my appreciation for art. I love art, but only when its good. If it’s trying to be art I can’t stand it. If it’s just paint or lines with a six figure price tag, that is not art. Art moves you. It actually gets inside of you, finds an emotion and wraps itself up in it until the art actually binds with your DNA and becomes a part of you. Art, when its good can stop time and allow you to actually meet yourself in the halls. It takes a certain type of person to feel art like that, it takes a certain type of person to go beyond what they are seeing or hearing and actually let it bleed into them on the highest and lowest frequency. Art my friend is young, red headed woman with freckles on her face that looks like God himself grabbed all the stars in all the heavens into his palm, crushed them into star dust and blew a kiss of spiral galaxies right across the bridge of her nose. But hey, not everybody is a lover of art.

 

Finally, and I think this may probably be the toughest to hear, but if pondered rationally is also most certainly the soundest case as to my rejection of the homosexual lifestyle as a healthy one is that homosexuality when led to its logical, and ultimate conclusion only equals the extinction of the human race. Stop and think about that for a moment because I think that it is worth doing so with the emotional baggage out in the foyer. Homosexuality is a choice one makes in the mind, which is the software. Homosexuality is not in the DNA, or the hardware. It cannot be, for the DNA hardware is a program and if the program were designed to self destruct by not being able to propagate it would have already done so long, long ago and none of us would be having this discussion.

 

All of that being said I hope that you see that I, as a person who rejects homosexuality as a healthy lifestyle do so for myself. It is the path I have chosen and so far I think it is a path worthy of all, however it is my path. I have chosen it of my own free will and appreciated that no one tried to make that choice for me, or pressure me choose one way or another. It was no one’s place to step in to make my choices for me and I cannot presume to do that to others. I may feel that a homosexual is making poor choices but I respect that they are his to make and find no profit in treating him as any less of a human being.

 

In all honesty though, I really don’t give a crap. This gay marriage thing is nothing but a football issue designed to get people all fired up and distracted. Heterosexuals should stop being so nosey about what others do in the bedroom and homosexuals should stop asking the government for a license to do something that is perfectly legal to do without a license anyway. Rick Santorum shouldn’t even be talking about any of it because last time I checked the Constitution, the federal government has no business in any of these social and moral matters at all. You’d think he’d of been mums but nope, ole Froth master Rick just couldn’t keep from talkin’ about him some gay sex. Look, I think most of us agree that bestiality is not groovy and since most of us share the non grooviness opinion of bestiality I’m sure that we intentionally never think about bestiality. So what’s up Ricky?

 

Its over now though. Every awkward, uncomfortable moment of this process with Rick Santorum has come to an end and I for one can’t say I’m weepy. Sure I took this opportunity to rattle the guys cage. Get a few things off my chest. To tell you the truth though, if I didn’t make light of it here I’m pretty sure I’d get real sour and spoil because at the end of the day this really isn’t funny.

 

Our economy is in the tank, our dollar might as well feature a top hatted, moniker wearing bankster, we are spreading our soldiers thin in every way possible, we are wreaking havoc on countries we have no place being in, we have employment falling just a little slower than building seven and the boot of big brother being laced up in ze homeland as I write and as you read. We are in real, real trouble and the best the Republican party can come up with is warmongering, chicken hawk, homophobe, constitutionally illiterate whores for J.P. Morgan and the all the other horsemen of the apocalypse? I mean this is it? This is what you guys call “Anybody is better than Obama”? Rick Santorum was a joke candidate that our Founding Fathers would have been appalled to learn quite possibly could’ve become president of the United States they struggled so hard to hand down to us.

 

I also understand that this ‘fingernails across the chalkboard’ regarding Rick Santorum may be hitting some of you in the gizzard. “Oooh don’t ostracize the Santorum supporters” you might say. Quite frankly that’s a bunch of bullocks. Hey I want some of those supporters to swing our way too, that would be great, only I don’t want people to switch from one candidate to ours and neither should you. What I want is for those candidate supporters to become supporters of an ideal that for most of us is so much freedom that its almost ineffable. I don’t speak for Ron Paul and I don’t speak for the Ron Paul movement except when whatever the movement is agrees with what I say. I am performing my function to provide a perspective of history to  future generations which only I can provide for it is from my perspective alone. So if some former Santorum supporter reads this and based on it decides not to come into the camp of freedom of liberty because of guilt by association, then to tell you the truth good riddance. Those people are subject to the 100^th monkey syndrome or a more yours truly preferred title; the 100^th idiot syndrome. They are not alphas and are as of yet incapable of doing anything other than following, so who needs those love handles?

 

Well I think that should just about do it. We went to some icky places together, and for that I think the bond between us strengthened, so it wasn’t all bad. The spiral galaxies I long to seek wisdom from say that this little fragment of literature shouldn’t end on such a tart taste, so I’ll leave you with an “as it is written in the Book of the Cog”;

 

The people join in the universal sigh when the tyrant above them is incompetent.

 

Until the next.

 

D.L. Crumpton